Saturday, December 24, 2005
AND NOW, SOME MORE OF: THIS DATE IN DOWNTRODDEN PARTY HISTORY!
December 24, 2005: Today, this actual day, Downies across the nation went home to their hovels and held seances over the deceased leaders of their party, such as Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid, and called for better leaders, including some with IQs in double digits. In some state where Downies actually have control (which state is that again?), party faithful (all 6 of them) gather to call for the election of a Downie in 2008, or 2012, or 2016, or whenever they can goose the country into trusting their party again. Howard Dean says we will lose World War I. Harry Reid calls police when he believes that his toilet is bugged, only to find that what he thought was a bug was in face a sanitary toilet cake he himself had installed. Nancy Pelosi, on a trip back to San Francisco, is attacked by a woman wearing an "I hate Transexual Liberal Asshats" t-shirt at the Ronald Reagan Airport. The Downtrodden National Committee releases a statement calling Associate Justice nominee Samuel Alito "that little scumbag Eye-talian," then apologizes only for misspelling "eye-talian." In business news, Wall Street announces that if a Downie is elected President any time in the 21st Century the stock market will shut down for 1 month of mourning. Former Vice President Al Gore, standing in 2 feet of snow in Michigan, again says that global warming is the worst threat the United States faces. Former President Jimmy Carter visits Jack Kevorkian in prison, but flees when Kevorkian tries to inject Carter with a lethal cocktail. Kevorkian is then pardoned by President Bush.
Make sure to stay right here for the next installment of "This Date in Downtrodden History"!
